I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
