my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Alive.
So much puke
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
