You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
