Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
