I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
