I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
