Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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