FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
my being single is dangerous.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
ok first of all what the fuck
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