I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
