Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
