Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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