I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
