I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
not ubering you a puppy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
