Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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