i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
