Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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