I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Randomize
