I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you win again, gameday.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
