one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
