I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
