That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
