amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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