I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
did i walk over a car last night?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
