just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
