I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
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come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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