I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
