the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
