Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
