his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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