Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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