You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
