Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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