K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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