Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
