and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
