im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
