He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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