I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
