what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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