Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Two words: blizzard sex
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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