Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
