I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
worst night to have a conscience
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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