I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
