im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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