I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
