Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
