my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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