Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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