Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
