My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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