Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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