I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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