my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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