my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
