I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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