it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
