he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
