nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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